Relating to family and friends when you have breast cancer

Talking to family and friends about your breast cancer can be challenging. Although well intentioned, some loved ones may not know how to help and may become overbearing at times. In order to ensure that the support you receive is effective and not an additional source of stress, here are some tips on how to communicate with your loved ones. Remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Be honest and straightforward about what you need and what others can do to support you. Be specific about what practical and/or emotional support is helpful. Do not assume that other people will intuitively know what you need.

In this resource, we refer to people diagnosed with breast cancer as women. We also acknowledge that people who are diagnosed with breast cancer include men, transgender people and people who are non-binary.

Support with errands

If you don't feel comfortable doing this yourself, it may be helpful to choose one family member, friend, or colleague that you trust to help set up an errand schedule so that you can delegate chores and tasks such as grocery shopping, meal preparation, carpooling, and/or babysitting when you are feeling tired, sick, or overwhelmed.

Support sharing updates

In order to avoid being overburdened by phone calls and requests for information about your progress, choose one family member, friend, or colleague to be your "networker" to give updates to others about how you are doing. You can also set up a mailing list, group chat or a cancer blog to keep your friends and family informed. CaringBridge is one organization that facilitates creating a free updates website. On the other hand, it’s perfectly fine to choose to limit discussing your diagnosis and treatment with a very limited number of people if you prefer that privacy.

Breast cancer and mothers

It is not uncommon for the mother of a younger breast cancer patient in particular to feel guilty about the fact that her daughter got cancer - especially if that mother has never experienced a life threatening illness herself. Understandably, she would want to lift this burden from her daughter and may even express the wish that the cancer had struck her instead. In reaction to the distressing feelings that the cancer is stirring up in them, mothers may behave in peculiar ways. They may, for example become overly solicitous and involved, or on the other hand, some may become a little more distant. Once again, when the time is right, you may need to have a frank discussion about how cancer is affecting both of you and if her words or actions are troubling you, to offer her some guidelines on the kind of care or involvement that you find helpful.

Emotional support

Ask for emotional support for yourself or your family when you need it. If you just want to be with someone or just want them to listen without trying to "fix it", be clear and tell them. Tell your friends and family that you are not looking for answers or solutions, but simply want them to listen to you.

Standardize responses to intrusive questions

When people make insensitive remarks or ask intrusive questions, it can help to have a standard line that you feel comfortable responding with. For example, you might say "I appreciate your concern, however, that is not something I wish to discuss right now." Be direct about how much company you want. If you feel like being alone, say that you appreciate their concern, but would rather schedule a visit for another time. Alternately, if you do want company, be vocal about it.

Surround yourself with a positive support network

Choose to be around positive people who are there to support you. Although well intentioned, some people may be "energy suckers" or "energy deflaters." These are people who tell you horror stories about other women who have been diagnosed with cancer, or may be critical of your treatment decisions. It is important to draw clear boundaries around yourself and to cut out people who are negative or make you feel bad about yourself or your choices.

Connect with other young women with breast cancer

Find other young women who are going through the same thing as you are. Being diagnosed with breast cancer when you are young is especially difficult because your peers may not understand what you are going through. Finding other young women who are in the same boat as you, may help you feel less alone.

Relationships may change

Existing relationships tend to get juggled about after a cancer diagnosis. Individuals who were close to you before the illness may withdraw for any number of reasons (fear of the losing you, fear for themselves, discomfort with cancer). You will find that certain relatives or friends who you had high expectations of, aren't able to rise to the occasion for one reason or another. Although you may have insight into why they are behaving in an unhelpful way, this can still be disappointing and hurtful. On the other hand, you may find other people in your life, of whom you had few expectations, who may surprise you in their ability to be there for you. In this sense, your illness can enlighten you as to who your true friends are.

Post-treatment support

After treatment ends, many women find it common for friends and family to withdraw support. They assume that now that you are finished treatment, you are "all better." While this is hard, try not to take this personally. Friends and family also want to believe you're better so they may start to treat you as though everything is fine — even though you may still be feeling fatigued and low in energy — and still in need of their help. It's important at this juncture to educate others about the fact that there are two stages to breast cancer: the active treatment and recovery phases. During the recovery phase, you may still require additional support that is both practical and emotional.

For example, you may still benefit from having your neighbour pick up your children from school, or from having your friend check in with you to see how you're doing. Do not assume that others know this. You may have to communicate your needs clearly.